Uncertainty, Imperfection & Sight Loss

Uncertainty Featured Image Description is in the body of the post.

Uncertainty, Imperfection & Sight Loss

“I think it’s important to remember things aren’t always as they seem but rather how we want them to appear.”

Bold Blind Beauty

Have you ever felt like you don’t know what the heck you’re doing? Confession, most of my days are anxiety-ridden and quiet as it’s kept, a good portion of it centers around my lack of eyesight.

Sometimes I feel so out of my depth and overwhelmed I can hardly breathe. It begins deep in the pit of my stomach and rises to my chest. My neck and shoulders are tense and hurting. Thoughts are racing through my head and I can’t focus. Again, for the umpteenth time, I wonder am I losing my mind?

Feeling small, unimportant, unworthy, and afraid, I continue to push through because god forbid I don’t meet my unrealistic expectations. The negative self-talk is a never-ending loop that I try to combat with positive affirmations. Sometimes this technique works but when it doesn’t I end up drained, depressed, and defeated.

Limitations, Struggles & Competency

For most of my life confidence seemed elusive to me. As a shy introvert, insecurity and fear of not being accepted ruled the day. Being so socially awkward is one of the reasons why I worked so hard to achieve perfection even though I also believe perfection’s unattainable.

At the height of my career, working in a profession I loved, I finally achieved the confidence I sought. I enjoyed working (maybe a little too much) and loved challenging myself to improve. Constantly going beyond my comfort zone was scary yet welcome and helped me grow as a professional.

Then along the way, I lost my eyesight and uncertainty began to take center stage. No longer being able to trust anything I can see wreaks havoc on my life day-to-day. To compensate for my lack of eyesight I try to cover my fear by wearing a cloak of confidence.

What’s so frustrating to me is straddling the fine line between being competent while living with a disability. I find it ironic that while I had limitations before I lost my sight, they weren’t so much of an issue. However, if I admit certain aspects of life are harder because of my disability this isn’t understood. To some degree, I feel like I have to be superhuman when I didn’t feel this way before sight loss.

Silly as it may seem, one of my hardest struggles is asking for help. “Asking for help” is my kryptonite which plays right into the whole “superhuman” thing.

Throwing Change Into The Mix

Early in my sight loss journey, I was fond of saying I was the same person I was before. This isn’t totally true. Oh, sure I still share some commonalities as I did before losing my sight but I am different.

For one I’m considerably older and there are new obstacles in my path. My body and mind don’t work like they used to and I have to constantly improve my problem-solving skills.

Sight loss has forced me to let some things go. Perfection has truly left the building. No longer can I be overly concerned about those things I can’t see because frankly, it’s too tiring. Yet at the same time, it’s weird because I’ll swat at what looks like a bug, bird or some other flying unidentifiable object only to find it’s a floater in my eye.

Depth perception is an issue especially when I’m riding in the front seat of a car. Since I can’t judge distance but can see moving vehicles I’m a nervous wreck. Not to mention the driver is on edge while I shriek and jump at the thought of an impending accident.

The truth is no matter how hard I try not to focus on my sight loss there is nowhere I can hide from it. It is always there and with it is the constant uncertainty of what’s going on around me.

Frequently on Bold Blind Beauty, I talk about perceptions and how we look at others. I think it’s important to remember things aren’t always as they seem but rather how we want them to appear. Just because it looks like I have it all together doesn’t mean I do. Since losing my sight most everything I do takes considerable time, effort and it’s certainly not easy.

While the tone of this post isn’t my typically upbeat tone it is real. Transparency is and always has been very important to me and this also means being vulnerable.

Featured Image Description:

Mirror selfie, I’m wearing a pixie cut wig, black tank top, dangling earrings and nude lip color. Blond in the front, dark brown in the back.

Published by Stephanae

👩🏾‍🦯 | INTJ | HSP | Collector of knowledge | Alpaca Fanatic “If I stop to kick every barking dog, I am not going to get where I'm going.” ~Jackie Joyner-Kersee Hi, I'm Steph! I'm a highly sensitive proud introvert and a recovering people-pleaser. These traits or quirks used to bother me because I always felt out of place until I began a recent process of self-acceptance. While I'm still a work in progress, I view my quirks as my superpowers and am grateful that they contribute to who I am today.

30 thoughts on “Uncertainty, Imperfection & Sight Loss

  1. Awe thank you Patty. During those times when I have to curl up in a ball it’s mainly because I’ve learned to listen to my body and give in to allowing myself to rest and refuel. It doesn’t really lessen my guilt but if I push through anyway the recovery period is substantially increased so I try to stop when my body tells me to. Thank you for your kind words. Hugs 💖

  2. Hi dear Stephanae,
    You know better then most of us, decreasing eye-sight does not define you. Still a Beautiful Souls as always 🙂 However, yes, it’s perfectly ok to be ‘down’ at times too, or feel overwhelmed. Fortunately, those feelings are emotions we can control and choose to turn around in something productive and positive. No, not always easy, but if anyone can, you can dear Stephanea! And hey, don’t be to harsh on yourself either. At times dropping everything, curl up on the sofa with some hot coco can do wonders 🙂
    Big hugs! XxX

  3. WOMAN, you are amazing. My Role Model, just so you know. Love you lots. Need to chat over the phone soon xxx

  4. Steph don’t underestimate the good you are doing with your blog. You help many people with your honest and authentic thoughts. Not just those who are sight impaired. Your words about ‘ the paradox of being strong yet fragile’ being part of the human condition is quite profound for me. Thank you.

  5. Robyn, your words mean so much to me. 💖 The paradox of being strong yet fragile is part of the human condition many of us either forget or won’t acknowledge. We can be both.

  6. Steph, this is such a heartfelt post and very importantly – authentic. While we all may not be sight impaired, most of us are challenged in some way. For me, it would be easy to never leave home, to not continually ask people to repeat things, to retreat into a limited and limiting world where one doesn’t need to hear. But like you retreating is not an option. I admire you and don’t underestimate the magnitude of your challenge. But I also know being brave enough to be honest has helped others like me. Thank you.

  7. I’m glad to hear that this has helped you Albert. Confidence is a huge problem for many of us and it doesn’t help when we begin playing the comparison game. You are not alone. 💖

  8. Thank you for your kind words Koko. ❤Losing my sight was a fear of mine as a child but I never really thought it would ever happen because my vision was always correctable with eyeglasses or contacts. So when I developed my first macular hole I didn’t know what to think. Thankfully it wasn’t an overnight thing as it took years and many other sight related issues to get to where I’m at today but it can still be rough at times because while I’ve made alot of adjustments I still carry this uncertainty with me.

  9. Thanks Lynn. I hope you are doing well. One of my major issues is not being able to do everything that is important to me and that is visiting my favorite blogs. 🌹

  10. George you always know when and how to say the right thing. Sometimes being an advocate is complicated because it’s like we are expected to be uplifting all the time but that just isn’t reality. I think we can live our best lives with our disability and still be challenged by it at the same time.

  11. I can’t imagine what you are going through. Losing my sight is a fear of mine. As a kid we play those silly games of what do we fear the most and it has always been my sight. I don’t think I could be nearly as brave as you. Growing older does have its pits. I’ve noticed I have to do many things differently. You are so right “about perceptions and how we look at others”…It seems so many have it together, but on the inside, one doesn’t really know the wars we fight within ourselves. You have a lovely weekend too! Koko 🙂

  12. Amen. It is kind of you to share because most of us have some of the same feelings and obstacles. Peer support, which is where you excel, requires opening ourselves to others. Yet there are times when things must remain personal. You have a right to that privacy. I am afraid (pun intended) that your fears are quite common. Thanks for all you do.

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