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The Red Barrel Bag, Shoes, And A Stink Bug

Close up photo of me holding the red barrel bag by the handles in my right hand while letting the adjustable strap hang. My white cane is in my left hand.

Crushing On A Red Barrel Bag

I’ve wanted a barrel bag for the longest time but after an extensive search I’d all but given up hopes of finding one. That is until the day I received a sign.

Actually, if I were being totally honest it was more like the stars, planets, and galaxies even, aligned. Angels were signing and everything went black except for this ray of light on the prettiest bag I’ve ever seen.

The late TV pitchman of all times, Billy Mays, confirmed my buying decision with a whispered “but wait, there’s more.” The original $200 price tag was slashed to a bargain-stealing cost of $30. Geez, was I gullible or what?

A Birthday Celebration

Two weeks after I ordered (in the voice of Gollum) “my precious,” it arrived and just in time for a birthday celebration with my cousin. When she picked me up because, you know, I can’t drive, I mean, I can drive, but I can’t see, well you catch my drift. Anyways she was like “WOW look at you” as she took in my bag and color-coordinated shoes.

“I love your bag,” my cousin says as I hopped in the vehicle. I tell her it’s made by brand X (code for I never heard of it). Going forward whenever anyone asks who X is my response will be “you don’t know who X is?” Why everyone’s wearing X. To sell it, even more, I’d throw in a Kardashian or two.

Blowing The Lid Off The Instagram Life

Standing profile pose with white cane.

Okay, so here’s the thing, you know those picture-perfect photographs of all the beautiful people on social media? Well, let tell you the pictures in this post are NOT as they appear.

For starters, I felt like a stuffed sausage in my Spanx. Even though I know I was born in heels, because my mother never lets me forget how much pain she was in when she had me, (I’d remember the pain too if I had a baby who came out in heels) but I digress. My feet hurt which was odd because typically the chunkier the heel, the more comfortable the shoe, but these are going in the giveaway pile.

If being uncomfortable weren’t enough, I have to take at least a gazillion pictures just for the money shot. Even then, the money shot really isn’t a money shot at all because I’m not being paid for this gig. This photo shoot was extraordinary because of a loud buzzing noise and what looked like a flying monster insect. I screamed, knocked over the tripod, phone, and tripped as I ran, then eerie silence.

While it’s against my nature to use my investigative skills to seek out the cause of unexplained noise I looked high and low. Then, I saw it—a stink bug had landed on my wall. I felt a bit relieved when I realized the cause of my panic but was still creeped out by the disgusting bug.

Standing pose rear view

Where was I? Oh, yeah, in today’s pictures I was very uncomfortable and I don’t give a hoot about the whole “beauty is pain” thing I’m too old for that nonsense. The photos are simply my attempt to put my best foot forward and to inspire styling ideas. It’s taken me a lifetime to become comfortable being not perfect and it feels good.

Barrel Bag Outfit Description:

  • Black midi dress with black hose
  • Cuffed chambray shirt tied at the waist
  • Red chunky heels with ankle straps
  • Accessories: red barrel handbag, silver bracelet, thumb ring, drop earrings

Have a very nice weekend everyone!

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Shapewear The Bodyshifting Skivvies

Mentioning the Unmentionables

Nude SPANX Firm Control Power Play Open Bust Long Leg Body Shaper 2416. This is basically a body suit that covers the thighs, rear, stomach, waist leaing the bust area open.
SPANX Firm Control Power Play Open Bust Long Leg Body Shaper 2416 | Macy’s Image found on Polyvore

Back in December, I treated myself to a bra fitting and shapewear purchase. Though some might not consider a bra fitting a treat, for me it really is the little things.

So, it was off to the mall I went to get my bra fitting. When the customer service representative asked me if I wanted her to do the fitting or their certified bra fitter I said: “Why I never had a certified fitter to do my bra fitting.” “Yes thank you, I’d like to go that route.”

The last time I had a fitting was a few years back at an outlet mall, so I was eager to see if that fitter was in error. I disagreed with the measurements, felt the fitter was wrong and I had to be more endowed than the results I received.

I went into a changing room where the fitter explained how the fitting works and then she took the measurements.

I’d love to share the results with you but it’s so embarrassing I just can’t. But I can tell you that my measurements were no different from those from outlet mall fitting. Worse still, the numbers were the same that I had back in high school. I mean we’re talking training bra status here and I’m just disgusted.

Star Power by SPANX High Waist Mid-Thigh Shaper Shapewear - Macy's Image found on Polyvore
SPANX High Waist Mid-Thigh Shaper Shapewear | Macy’s Image found on Polyvore

Selection Time Commences

After being shown several different types of shapewear I chose a leotard thinking it would definitely suck in all the stray jiggles. On a side note, I think they’re called Spanx because when wearing them it feels like I’m  being spanked. They work well but there have been times when I’ve felt like I’d explode and I can’t tell you the relief it is to get out of them.

While I know of women who wear shapewear all the time, I do not, and quite honestly I couldn’t even if I’d want to because I find them uncomfortable. But for those special occasions, depending on what I’m wearing, I will wear them.

There are many styles of shapewear from which to choose all according to the need. For this jaunt, I chose to go with a body shaper for slimming and smoothing the thighs and rear, accentuating the waist and to lifting the bust.

Types of Shapewear

  • Body Shapers – body suit or slip that can extend to mid/lower-thigh to flatten, squeeze and support the body by redistributing the jiggle.
  • Bust Shapers – bodysuits or camisoles that shape, smooth, lift, and support.
  • Control Panties – slim, smooth and support the tummy and rear.
  • Thigh Slimmers – flatten tummy, waistline, hips, and thighs; some are high-waist
  • Waist Cinchers – slim waist and tummy.

As I was writing this post I remembered a body shaper from years back that had hook & eye closures and boning that was so comfortable. It was one of my favorite pieces.

“We are very lucky to be women, so even if we’re wearing trousers, I always wear them with some lace underwear or a very feminine bra – I like that.” ~Carine Roitfeld